today, i actually learned something. that i have been stressed out too much, i didnt even share anything about my stupid life to anyone at all. now i realized holding all of those, is not good for me. i wish i could just forget everything. and do all over. i know my first year at high school has been crazy, i gets crazy, and getting in troubles. and all of those amazing fun things i have done at school, it was good. but there is more negative things that happened through my freshman year. why do i have to suffer when i actually a girl who have so much anger, tears trapped inside that body. 

also is it bad if your own mom insults you every day ever since 10 year old? with a dad who judges you every day? i am really getting sick of my mom. even tho she would say something she sees on my body and say why do u even have those, you need to work out more, and stop sitting around, being lazy when i am really stressed out. on tuesday, i had a dive practice, and i was chilling in the water until its my turn to practice on my tricks. my mom would keep say something bad about me when she is just watching me. luckily i was in the water so no one can even see me cry. i was about to cry when she said this one thing that i was really embrassed about on my body. i actually finally broke down front of my sisters and dad like few days ago. 

my dad would judge me just because of my sisters. they had a crap high school years, and did alot of bad stuff. my dad cant even trust me at all because he thinks i would do those stuff. but trust me, im like complete oposed of them. they did drugs, had sex, going to parties. but i havent done those stuff and i would never. only thing that i have done was bad, was going over to a boys house twice while no one was home, getting in troubles all the time at the school which was pointless like paint fights, gluing my hand to someone elses hand, getting kicked out of class to sweep so many times. that all i have done. is it even bad, no i dont think so. ugh, theres so many stuff that is going on with my life, i just wish i could type everything on here. but i cant, what if someone who know me and have been reading this, my life is over if they did. its just really personal. also i dont want them to know that i actually have a crap life, i just want to show good impression of how im complete happy with my life. 

but honest my life actually is a crap, obviously i am not even perfect. i really hate myself, my body, my insecurities, and everything. i wish i could just jump in the ocean and swim far away from my life forever.

everything got so complicated. 

in my last blog, i said how my brother called alex a nigger and they wanted to fight. but it never happened cuz my brother wont fight unless alex comes up to him then he would but alex never did. then me and alex didnt even talked for maybe more than 2 weeks or a month. i refused even look at him, or talk to him even tho he hangs out with chloe during morning or something. so i had to start to hang out with micaela so i could avoid alex. then later, i went over micaelas house after school. robert random started talking to micaela on facebook. so he was talkin shit about me. so i got pissed off, he didnt know i was there with micaela. so then i finally cussed him out on micaelas facebook. well not exactly cuss him out, just told him that it was stupid of him for cussing me out. then later we talked it out. so i finally forgave him. so i told him about alex and my brother issues. that time alex and my brother finally stopped being mean to each other, now they are acting like they dont exist to each other. so robert told me that he will talk to alex for me, to get him to not be mad at me when i did nothing. so alex actually did talk to me the next day. so then he asked me out few days later. so we dated for like a week. he decided to break up with me, really i have no idea why. he was like 'i dont want to be in a relationship, and i am going through a family drama, i dont want to put all anger on you so its best if we are done. maybe there is gonna be a down the road later'. i was like wtf really, there aint gonna be a down the road anymore. like seriously im going through alot of shits too, alex actually made me happy and get distracted from all of my family dramas. then robert have been trying to tell me that alex is using me like around january. then now i finally talked to robert and he said that alex did used me like last week. i was like wtf how. then like 2 weeks ago... alex is living with chloes boyfriends house for a while, i guess because of family drama. so kasey, (chloes boyfriend) lives near me like couple minutes away. so then one day, alex asked me to hang out at kaseys house. i was like ok. so i came over, we hung out. we kinda started making out and it kinda got crazy, but no sex or anything. so it was on a friday. then on monday i went to kaseys house again, then i didnt expect that we would make out again, but we did. (i am not going to explain the details anyway). so then last week, i went to ambers house over the weekend. (i finally got my facebook back like a week before the spring break but i never check it anyway). so amber is friends with alex on facebook but i am not. so alex changed his relationship status to 'in a relationship'. and i was like wtf, and he is dating some girl who goes to a high school that is like really far away prob like hour away. and he started going out with her like 4 days after we did stuff together. wow, now i finally know who alex truly is. he still is good at being friends, but sucks at being a boyfriend or have a thing with someone.. so i guess i am done with him like absolutely positive is done with him. i dont really regret for stuff we did, i just happy that i actually finally found out who alex really is. at least i had some fun with a guy who i liked.

so i have moved on, i actually do like this other guy named wyatt. hes in my math class, he is a sophomore but he is still cute and very nice:) he seems like start to talking me more past few days now. i used to have like alittle crush on him ever since last semester, he was in my math in both semesters. so now i think im starting to like him more now:) i hope i will have a class with him next year too, we might end up talking more if we have another class together again without that stupid girl lyla, she knew i like wyatt. she keeps throwing herself at him front of me. she always gets really competitive with me, i have no idea why but she just thinks she must win. i just hate her. she acts so fake like seriously plus she is very annoying.

so that pretty much the complicated things. i swear it just really confused me but whatever. i will just stick with living everyday by going to school, and acting like nothing going on and i know nothing then go home, and never check my facebook. i just got to be patient for summer to come up. my mom is planning to take me to california for a week over the summer so i can just chilling at the beach and pretending i dont know anyone in arizona at all. then might go to six flags. i just got to have fun while i can.

okay so here what happened....

on monday, i showed up school with my glasses on because i overslept so i didnt have time to change to contacts, so instead i changed at school. so then later after school. i came up to alex, and bunch ppl like chloe& her boyfriend. chloe was like whispering to me saying that alex wants to beat ur brother up. i was like what the fuck?! so i asked alex what was the hell, he said that my brother called him a nigger. i was like seriously. then yesterday, alex just kept getting all pissy when i tells him to just back off, who cares if he called you a nigger. like my brother calls me that all the times. so i got really mad, i refused talk to him today. i was like avoiding him all day. so he got mad and deleted me off facebook. then he sented me a message then i respond it. and he got mad cuz i was like annoying him, WTF i wasnt even annoying him.. so he blocked me on facebook. so i was like so mad. i decided to take a walk to the park and in the little desert behind my house. i swear i just random broke down.. i was like cried and cried for like 5 minutes then i finally pull myself back in place. then i was like screaming out loud saying im finished with this fucking stupid shits. and i just went and deactivated my facebook, so alex cant even contact me anymore even same with robert. also freaking get people to get out of my life,, stop causing dramas.....

i only broke down because i just have been going through so much drama lately, i was just really hurt. like seriously is that how i start my year? well it is a hell so far. alex just cant get it,, i have been going through so many drama, more than he thinks. like first one was with alex around august. then other one with robert, probably like 3 times in like 2 months, then 2011 finally ended.... but guess what,, 2 other freaking stupid drama started. well not just high school drama, i am going through a family drama too, there was like prob more than 5 dramas since in my family. im guessing more than 10 dramas that i have been going through.

so i am done, i will never give alex other chance because of how my brother and alex hates each other so much plus he was very not respectful to me. he actually hurt me.... AGAIN. so i am fucking done.

anyway i actually made through the day knowing that robert isnt missing anymore. because yesterday he ran away, was missing for like 6 hours. then finally went home like really late at night. so but he wasnt at that new school that he was supposed to go to now, so i freaked out. luckily the principal willing call his parents and they said that robert is at home with them. thank god.

i realized how much i hates everything about robert but not alex. i love everything about alex. everytime i look back all of old messages on facebook, skype or whatever from alex, it gives me butterflies. it just makes me so happy when i look at it. im so happy because i gave alex 2 long hugs after school:) when i came out of class and saw bunch of ppl like chloe her boyfriend, alex and his friends. so i came up and alex hugged me but i didnt let it go for a bit. then i went up to talk to chloe then i just realized that i have to run to the student parking to catch my brother because hes my ride home. so i went and gave alex long hug. i was kinda squeezing him haha. then i left. and i felt alot better♥